Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Piranha 3-D: Review

I was really pumped to see this but people have been telling me to just watch this online because the faggot Malaysian Censorship Board cut out the best bits of the film on the count of that the nation will go crazy watching a gory fish movie.
Given that I saw this through a computer in bad image and sound quality and the absence of 3-D, Piranha is still fucking blood awesome. 3 words. Boobs. Blood. Carcasses.  This movie is one of the very few flicks this year that actually delivered what it promised.
Piranha 3-D is as dumb as B movies go and you know what, I bet you not a single fucking person who watches this will care. It's about prehistoric killer piranhas that comes out of a lake within a lake after some seismic activity and they are now about to engage in an awesome gorefest with a spring break load of douchbags and naked chicks.
Oh my God was I having the time of my life watching this. Piranha recaptures the B movie spirit and genre, of bad acting, poor logic, cheesy dialog and tonnes and tonnes of shameless exploitation. Anyone who goes into this movie expecting to see something other than that needs to get their heads examined. This was the film us horny, dumb as fuck, gore fantasizing pubescent boys deserved.
But Piranha does have it's moments of wit, mostly paying homages and spoofs to classic 80's monster movies. The opening sequence of the film had me in a geekgasm when someone started whistling the Jaws theme song and then we find out that it is Richard Dreyfuss whistling. Pure uber awesomeness. And many 80's icons make appearances in here like Dr. Emmet Brown of Back To The Future being his usual eccentric self.

And to reveal how much I watch porn, there are hell of a lot of porn stars in this movie. Ashlynn Brooke is in this, Riley Steele has a big part here and Gianna Michaels and all of them had some of the best death scenes in this fucking movie. The number of tits flashed in this movie is unreal. There is probably 1:3 ration of boobs:piranhas in this. Everywhere the camera turns, tits, tits, tits, tits and tits.
I respect the filmmakers of this film for recognizing that what they were making was bullshit and they waste no time trying to explain themselves and the let the gore do the talking. The last 20 minutes of this film is probably the most gory bloody mess of an ending I have ever seen in any torture porn film I have had the pleasure of watching in all my life. That scene will go down in history my friends.
And what adds to how great this film is is that we have a star cast of Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O' Connell, Eli Roth and Kelly Brooke, and you can tell that none of them are giving a rats ass about this. They all know their in a bad movie so they went along with it and intentionally fucked up their lines which is what makes their acting in this so gut wrenchingly hilarious. You know, like something that is so bad to the point it's laughably good.
And I know this is very unlike me because I mainly enjoy movies with sound plots and good characters but I have to judge Piranha 3-D in the context that it was made, which was supposed to be a really bad B film with fantastic gore scenes. That's what I went to see, and that's what I got.
Wait for this film to go on DVD. Get a bunch of friends, a lot of alcohol, check your brains at the door and watch this. The story is forgettable, the massacre isn't.

Rating: 8/10

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